Excerpt from An online Course: Where God puts two hearts in a home.
One of the ways that a woman can strengthen her man is to be sexually available and sexually eager for him, even if it does not come as naturally for her as it does for him. One of my dear friends recently shared with me what she had learned about her marriage during the year after the death of her husband. She told me: I had always made it a point, or rather prided myself, on the fact that in the forty years we were married, I never refused my husband sex. But God has shown me now, after it is too late, that I should have eagerly desired to make love with my husband. I think our relationship would have been much better in every area if I had taken the initiative to desire him sexually.
When a wife desires her husband sexually, it is a strong statement of trust and an endorsement of him as a person. Knowing how much this means to a man, this type of endorsement is something that the prostitute and adulteress promise in order to deceive and manipulate him(Prov 2:16; 5:3). They flatter him, but may secretly laugh behind his back at his gullibility. What a good man needs and wants most is to hear those expressions of desire coming from the one who knows him best and is committed to his good, his wife. As the old saying goes, Talk is cheap, but actions are priceless.
Increasing a Wife’s Desire
Thankfully, God made our bodies so that both men and women can enjoy sex, physically and emotionally. One of the aspects of our traditional Western culture, and perhaps in yours, too, is to think of sexual desire and sexual initiative as being totally in the man‘s domain. Women are the passive recipients,
or responders, to the man‘s romantic gestures. But this is not biblical. While it is true that during courtship it is the man who should pursue the woman, a careful study of the Song of Solomon will reveal that once a couple is married, the wife, as often as the husband, prepares and initiates sexual encounters. So how does a wife, who generally has a lower level of testosterone, adjust to the fact that she may not physically want sex as often as her husband? Practically speaking, she needs to make preparing for sex a priority in her schedule, even though she will not have a clean floor or an elaborate meal to show for the time spent. She may need to prepare herself in the three following ways:
- Refreshing her energy. With a busy day of chasing toddlers or fighting through traffic, a wife may need to revive her energies before loving her husband. It may mean taking a nap, hiring a babysitter, or taking a warm bath to relax. Her husband probably cannot understand immediately why she needs to rest or relax in order to recharge her sexual desire. His desire is eight times higher and often quickly present! But most men, once educated about her needs, will gladly help. When he finds out why he needs to babysit for an hour so she can take a bath or a nap, he will likely become a willing accomplice to her plan. When his help results in a sexual encounter, she might even find that he is urging her to take more naps and baths!
- Training her thoughts. The second challenge for women is to prepare mentally, both by rejecting critical thoughts about her husband and by emphasizing grateful ones. One of the burdens of a man is that he will become sexually aroused by the sight of any provocatively dressed woman, even if he does not know her. For women, even the most handsome man becomes ugly if she disdains him. Her thoughts, more than her eyes, are the gatekeepers for feminine desire. Thus women have greater control and, therefore, a great responsibility for their own sexual responses.
A woman prepares for sex by priming her thoughts with positive material. Sometimes reading the Song of Solomon or healthy romantic stories can help her mind transition from the concerns of the day onto her husband. There is no substitute for meditating on God‘s good gift to you in your mate. If you think critical thoughts about your husband, your body will respond by shutting down its sexual mechanism. Sex will be painful and unfulfilling. But when you fill your mind with the good aspects of your husband‘s body and character, you will prepare your body to want to unite with him physically. Your body will tell the truth about your inner thoughts about him.
While she is young, a woman‘s testosterone level may be sufficient for her to physically desire sex with her husband, even if their relationship is not strong. As hormone levels drop with age, she will find it harder and harder to respond sexually to a husband she disdains. In the case of women like me, who must take hormone-eliminating medicine for cancer, the desire for sex is almost 100 percent mental. I must focus on both how much I love my husband and my desire to express it physically, and I must use some form of external lubrication in order to eliminate painful sex (more about that in Lesson 8). Because I want to please God and to strengthen my husband with my love, I do make our sexual relations a priority in my schedule and in my thoughts. As I have made loving him physically a higher priority, I have been blessed by a sense of feeling deeply grateful that the Lord designed this intimate unity for us with this comes pleasure that includes, but also goes beyond, body response.
- Initiating sexual foreplay. While a man‘s high testosterone level keeps him thinking about sex every three seconds, a woman can use her own sense of touch and sight to direct her mind toward sex. She does this by initiating physical affection whenever she is with her husband—special looks in his eyes, holding and stroking his hand, surreptitious embraces, pulling him into the closet for a secret kiss, a touch that no one else can see. These actions not only thrill a husband and increase her desire, but also make him feel that he is the luckiest husband alive to be married to such a woman!
The Song of Solomon starts out with the wife coaxing her husband to kiss her (Song 1:1). One marriage counselor suggests that whenever a couple meets after being apart, they should share a kiss that lasts at least thirty seconds. Try this and you will discover that thirty seconds is a very long time! The length is important because at thirty seconds, a woman‘s hormone level rises. Seize every opportunity to caress and entice your husband, and you will find your own hormones increase. Remember, Sex begins in the kitchen. That means, if you take the time to enjoy thirty-second kisses while doing mundane things such as working in the kitchen, you will be well on the way to enjoying a sexual interlude later when you are alone.
As wives created for a special purpose (Gen 2:18), we have a mission from God to bring not-aloneness to our husbands. One of the most compelling ways to do this is through sexual love. While our lower hormone levels may make us feel justified in declining sexual contact with our husbands, obedience to God‘s Word dictates that we work to do the things that help us to desire and to physically love our husbands regularly. When we do so, we find that both husband and wife are happier and more satisfied with life.
As an online student, one has an opportunity to be enriched with in-depth lessons on the aspect of sexual relationship in marriage.